Rims, Spoilers, Mini Windshield Wipers, Subwoofers, and Other Necessities

In a world where people strap explosives to their shoes, dogs fight in abandoned buildings, and silver fillings are still legal, there should be nothing intimidating about a first date. Unfortunately, few things seem less nerve-racking than meeting someone new. This seems doubly true when my current policy is “if he asks, you will date him!” Since I have had bad luck deciding which fellows are best suited for me, this seemed like a logical way to broaden my horizons. My horizon, at present, might as well be a screen capture of Plants Vs. Zombies…because some of these experiences have gotten a tad ugly.

In my desire to broaden my dating pool, I’ve ignored a bit of advice from someone whom, theoretically, knows a lot about love. I’ll admit to watching the “Millionaire Matchmaker” a time or two…maybe I’ve seen every episode, maybe I haven’t. Believe whatever you’d like. Usually, the sincere people are easy to spot, there are a couple of yahoos thrown on to boost ratings, and the whole thing seems like a bucket of common sense. The show is a little too technical for my liking, and I’d like to punch out Patti (THEE Millionaire Matchmaker) when she yells at people with a BMI of 25.5 for being too fat, tells women their natural hair color isn’t flattering, and attacks people for not wanting to answer rather personal questions about their sex lives. However, the nutty woman makes some very valid points.

One of the things she insists is essential is qualifying the buyer. It’s a technical process, and seems much like purchasing a car. If you’ve always wanted a car with spinners, a station wagon is obviously not going to be satisfactory. She has some criteria that sound common sense, but are all-too-difficult in the real world. In a very basic sense, she tries to set people up with the same sets of priorities, morals, and standards. Who knew these lists of qualifications could be so lengthy? After going on date number 492 (or, perhaps, four) with someone who was completely wrong for me, this is what I came up with:

· Age 33 or under

· Preferably non-religious

· Nonsmoker

· Lives within a reasonable distance

· Wants children

· Has a sense of humor and a decent IQ

This list seemed simple enough. I had qualified my buyer. I logged into the dating website I was using, and tightened up my qualifications. I was no longer going to accept just anyone, I was going to be semi-discerning! Then, as I changed my settings to be more discretionary, crazy thoughts started running through my head, and I came up with the most ridiculous list of “qualifications” on the planet. This is why I should never listen to anyone who uses television to brand herself and sell bouquets of flowers, paid dating website subscriptions, books, DVDs, and weight loss products. Despite my doubts of Patti, I came up with a second list. The second qualification list was straight from Hades – the thoughts of an insane woman who remains single for rather obvious reasons:

· Must not be a Buddhist, unless the man is originally from Tibet. While the Buddhists are an amazing, peace loving and wonderful people, I have found those who claim to have converted to Buddhism to be a little off. These people typically seem to be missing something in life and are crazily searching for what makes them happy – which, more often than not, seems to be loads and loads of cannibas – and has little to do with the Dharma Wheel and Four Noble Truths.

· While not claiming to be a Buddhist, must understand that I really, really like yoga. Perhaps, this fella would willingly go to a yoga class…every once in a great, great while. Just as a show of interest, ya know?

· Has manners and is nice to my mom

· Bonus points for having an extended quirky, entertaining nuclear family, just like the Braverman's in Parenthood. Extra bonus points if the family likes to get dressed up for Christmas. Double Extra Bonus if Grandma knits sweaters.

· Should not be afraid of flying, public bathrooms, or grocery cart handles. There is plenty of soap in the world.

· Thinks pitbulls are misunderstood

· Lives between Eight Mile and Maple, in the general Woodward Avenue vicinity…since this is where I enjoy living, and won’t want to change neighborhoods when we’re happily riding off into the sunset

· Is generally clean, but understands that I frequently forget to make the bed…and usually throw the mail on the table and don’t open it. I have some good qualities to balance these out…I think…

· Recycles

· Can handle his booze

· Gets along well with the gays, because certain fellas have been in my life for a long, long time

· Reads for shits and giggles

· Has a job that I can wrap my head around. Plumbers and cops are fine, strategic internet marketing sales and installments with an emphasis in digital restoration, and you work from home, too? Hmmm…sounds rather close to “unemployed.”

· Looks like, had he been born at the right time, in the right place, he might have once been a lumberjack.

· Does not own loads and loads of hair products or other grooming tools, but brushes his teeth a few times a day.

· Can fill in a blank map of the United States

· Doesn’t think donating to public radio or television is a waste

· Gives sincere compliments

· Is complementary

· Knows the difference between compliment and complement

Do I ever expect to find someone who matches all of my criteria? Well, no. Do I want someone close? Absolutely. I think that too often people compromise, and settle into a comfortable relationship with someone that doesn’t quite measure up to their list, if they even know what their list entails. I know what’s on my list. It’s finding someone with his own list, a complementary list, that is the challenge.