We go together, like a wink and a smile...

In a less complicated world, I wouldn’t be blogging right now. I would be at home, and at 9:52 p.m. (the current time) I would likely be reading. At this moment, the guy I had a school girl’s fall crush on is at a bar up the road, with three other people…I know this via Twitter. A friend of a friend, at 7:18 this evening, sent me a “wutz ^ tonight?” text message. Via Facebook I found out that my eighth-grade marching band pal and her husband recently returned from vacation, and that four more people RSVP’d to my ten-year high school reunion – which I probably won’t attend.

Digial communication is weird enough. It’s casual and plentiful, which makes it less personal. Never a fan of abbreviations or misspellings, “LOL” and “Wt RU doin” are not my favorite things to see. When it comes to dating and digital communication, things get even weirder. Looking at several dating websites, I’ve found an interesting catch. Most of them are free to join, and you can send potential mates an impersonal communication. To actually send someone a message, you have to throw down some cash and join. These little, free sorts of communication are called flirts, winks, smiles, etc. A generic template is sent to the recipient, stating something doltish and flattering, such as “your profile made me smile/wink/feel flirty.” It’s a “gee I’ve got nothing to lose” way of approaching someone.

The first day I registered for a dating site, I was glowing over these little comments. Then I realized that I never got a further, more probing, response. Then, I also realized, that when looking at a photo of another member, it’s painfully easy to hit the smile/wink/flirt button. I did so, unintentionally, three times in half-an-hour.

So, I’ve been ignoring these little notes. I assume the people who send them are having technical difficulties, or on the free trial program. I also feel like, if someone is genuinely interested in me, they should be able to at least string a sentence together to convey so. I know I’m larger than many women, I often have chipped nail polish, I occasionally drop movie theatre popcorn into my cleavage, and I’m a little on the particular side, but damnit, I want someone to string together a WHOLE sentence to win my affections! If nothing else, I want peace of mind. I’d like assurance that a fella wasn’t looking at my picture, critiquing my clothing choices and lack of perfectly-coiffed hair, when he accidentally hit the “send smile/wink/flirt” now button.

Given my aversion to faux compliments, and paranoia surrounding them, just imagine how delighted I was when my first personal message rolled in. I was thrilled. Having looked at many profiles, I was finding that there were some literate people on the internet, and I was psyched. My fingers flew over the keyboard to open up my VERY FIRST personal message, from an educated, literate, confidant, attractive, employed, articulate prince of a fellow, who wanted to meet ME.

Staring at the computer screen, searching frantically for a wonderful, flattering, romantic gesture, I found the first word of the message! “Hey.”

That is actually overdone, as the message only read “hey”. No punctuation or capitalizations were included. It was not only the first word of the message, it was the whole message.

Now the profiles on this website are packed with information. There are plenty of details about a person spelled out on his or her individual page. I just wanted something more. I wanted effort. So, with the swipe of a mouse, I deleted “hey” and all the people who had winked/smiled/flirted with me. I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m not desperate, and not going to cling to a wink, a smile, a flirt, or a “hey.”

In honor of every girl who gave out her number and hoped he’d never call, for every woman who moved in because “the rent is too damn high,” for every lady who thought she needed a plus one, and for every fat gal who never thought she’d do better…I’m just saying “no” for all of us. Goodbye winks, smiles, flirts, and heys, I’m holding out for something substantive.